Adoption is Lifelong

Adoption is a thread woven throughout the entirety of one’s story, it is not a singular event. Milestones, transitions, challenges and day to day life provide ample opportunity for the uncertainties or pain points of adoption to resurface. Identifying and sharing about these issues can help people feel less isolated. Everyone’s experience is different, but a shared language can be helpful in conversation.

In the late 1980s the 7 core issues in adoption were identified and explained by Sharon Kaplan Roszia and Deborah Silverstein. These issues are: loss, rejection, guilt/shame, grief, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control. The core issues may present themselves at different times throughout one’s life and could be triggered by challenging life circumstances or by transitions into new life stages. In 2019, Kaplan Roszia and Allison Davis Maxon expanded the framework to include foster care, kinship care, and donor conception, and to recognize the role of trauma and attachment.

Below are some examples of how the seven core issues may impact some members of the adoption constellation. It is important to note that everyone’s experience is different.

1) Loss

Adoptees: May experience the loss of their first family, and sometimes their culture, language, or medical history.

Birth parents: Loss of child and the day-to-day role of parenting. Many also lose relationships, support, or the future they imagined.

Adoptive parents: May carry losses from infertility or pregnancy loss, or the loss of the biological child they once pictured.

2) Rejection

Adoptees: May interpret their adoption as personal rejection, which can affect self-worth and a sense of belonging.

Birth parents: May feel rejected by family, partners, or society at the time of placement, or later by their child.

Adoptive parents: May feel rejected when their child is curious about or shows interest in their biological family.

3) Guilt/Shame

Adoptees: May feel shame about the circumstances around their adoption or details of their story.

Birth parents: May carry guilt about placing their child, sometimes intensified by judgment from others. Depending on cultural or religious beliefs there could be shame around becoming pregnant.

Adoptive parents: May feel guilt about building their family through another family’s loss or shame when adoption doesn’t feel as seamless as they hoped.

4) Grief

Adoptees: May not be given permission to grieve, especially when others expect them to feel only grateful. Grief around loss of identity or family connection.

Birth parents: Often experience grief that goes unrecognized by others. It can resurface on birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries.

Adoptive parents: May grieve unresolved infertility, unmet expectations, or their child’s pain they can’t fix.

5) Identity

Adoptees: May wrestle with “Who am I?”, especially in adolescence or when they become parents themselves, as they work to integrate their birth and adoptive identities.

Birth parents: May wonder, “Am I still a parent?”, particularly when the loss wasn’t publicly acknowledged.

Adoptive parents: May question whether they are a “real” parent, while learning to honour their child’s birth story.

6) Intimacy

Adoptees: A fear of rejection or abandonment can make it hard to trust others and let them close.

Birth parents: May guard against closeness in future relationships, including with children they parent later, to protect against further loss.

Adoptive parents: Bonding with a child who experienced trauma or abuse and is wary of closeness may lead to emotional distance or overprotectiveness.

7) Mastery/Control

Adoptees: Had no say in a decision that shaped their life. Some cope by holding on tightly to control; others struggle to make choices at all.

Birth parents: May have felt powerless during the decision and placement, and struggle afterward to regain a sense of agency.

Adoptive parents: Could experience a loss of control through infertility. The process to become “adopt ready” is quite invasive and requires a lot of resources and sharing of information.

A question to consider: If adoption is part of your story, which of these core issues feels most familiar to you right now?