Grief: Part Two

You are sitting in your car and can see inside where the party is going strong. People are laughing, decked out in their ugly sweaters and having what looks like a great time. Getting ready was a colossal effort but you felt like you “should” go, you feel jittery and anxious. Your friends mean well, but they just do not get it, and you wish you’d never said you were coming. Your person would have loved this party, or maybe they would have been happy to sit at home instead in their PJs with you, watching movies you’ve seen 1,000 times. However, they aren’t here with you, and you are still struggling to believe that. 

Almost all grievers will have some sort of wrestle with accepting the loss of their person. It is a time where you feel a numbness or disbelief toward the idea that they are gone. You find yourself reaching to send them a text and then stop, or you think you should grab one of their favourite items at the store before you remember. It’s not that you’ve forgotten they died, accepting it into your daily life is hard and takes time. 

Accepting the death of your person is key as you lean into your grief journey and is a significant milestone. Sometimes we struggle with acceptance because there is fear that this means we are “over it” or that it begins a process of “forgetting.” Acceptance of a person’s death just means that you choose to lean into the fact that they are no longer here, and can begin to take steps in your grief journey. By accepting their death, we can begin the process of remembering and create meaningful moments to honour them. This can be more difficult than it seems and for some, you need time, space and support to get there.

People will try to be helpful and say things like “the first Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanza is the hardest, you just need to get through it.” Or perhaps they are more enlightened and realize that year two can be just as hard, some find it even harder. Neither death nor grief is discretionary, they do not read a calendar or count how many years of holidays you have endured without your person. The early years come with a different weight, that is true, but it can be many years later and you are still finding holidays hard without them. 

How can we navigate the holidays if we are grieving a loss?

Give yourself a lot of grace and permission. You can say no. No to that party, no to that dinner. You can even say no at the last minute. You can also say yes! If you are feeling like being around people is what is best for you, then go to that gathering. As a griever, you are the expert in your experience and trusting yourself is an important part of your journey. 

You can indulge in all the things your person loved, or you can do none of them. I promise you, if you do not hang the star at the top of the tree, nothing will happen. Or if you decide to get out all their favourite things, then realise it’s too much, you can put them away again. Maybe you want to just bring out one or two things that bring warm memories and offer you comfort. All of this is OK, there are no rules.

You can expect that people will not understand, this is one of the hardest parts of grief. Many people mean well, but they do not grasp the depth or breadth of what you are experiencing. If you have a trusted person who is showing up for you, then lean into them. If you do go to that party but want to know that if you have to leave suddenly, they will go with you, make a signal or a code word. They can help you slip out quietly and speak to the host afterward. 

Grief in a season when so many things seem to be attached to memories and traditions can feel so heavy. Many grievers find that creating new traditions, in honour of their person, to be helpful. Did the person who was the beloved baker in the family die? Honouring them may look like baking their favourite treats and then giving them to neighbours with a note or a memory of these treats. The possibilities are endless, you can volunteer at a local charity, serve at the local food bank or offer your expertise to someone who needs it. All of these can be ways to make meaning. 

If all of this sounds impossible or like you just can’t, know that honouring yourself and your person may look like pulling on your favourite cozy PJs and making a cup of tea. That is also a perfectly reasonable response. Grief is messy, holidays and special events can feel like a handful of wild cards. Listen to your body, listen to your soul and do what is right for you. No one person will experience loss the same way and no one has any right to judge how you are walking through your grief. 

As always, holding space for you,

Hilary