What Does Attachment Have To Do With It? Earned Secure Attachment

The last attachment style we’re going to dive into is the Earned Secure Attachment style. This attachment style depicts what can happen when there is consistency and reliability in relationships where people start to see and believe over time that they are safe and secure. This happens when someone who initially had an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style is in a relationship (whether friendly, romantic or familial) where there is communication, and increasing levels of safety with vulnerability.   

I want you to imagine someone who shows up in relationships with a pursue style (anxious), withdrawal style (avoidant), or push/pull style (disorganized) and they have consistently struggled with feeling safe and secure in relationships. There is a lack of trust and connection in relationships due to early life experiences. Through consistently healthy relationships, working through their own trauma and fears, developing a deeper sense of self, and increasing their self confidence they are able to start to shift their attachment style. By gaining insight into their life and relationships and increasing their self-awareness they are able to start to change some of the patterns that have developed. They are then able to begin to connect with others in healthier ways while maintaining their sense of self at the same time. 

Developing an earned secure attachment style doesn’t mean that the historical attachment styles are all of a sudden gone. It does mean that when someone experiences high stress they might revert to some of those historical attachment behaviours; however they are able to bounce back quicker because of their earned secure attachment to others. As challenges happen, they are also able to lean into relationships more so than historically and over time may not revert to old behaviours the same way.  

Attachment trauma in earned secure relationships often occurs in situations where their original attachment dynamic was present. In an earned secure relationship though, the individual is often able to bounce back faster than if they were still in the type of relationship where their avoidant, anxious, disorganized attachment was prevalent.  

It’s important to remember that earned secure attachment is available to everyone who may have an anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style. It takes time though to develop - often time years - and it’s really important to remember that communication, consistency and reliability are key in the development of this attachment style.

Here’s some homework for you. One of the best TV shows I’ve ever seen that depicts the different types of attachment styles is The Fosters. The relationships depicted in the show are not perfect by any means, and that’s the beauty because you’re able to see the display of attachment styles and how they shift over time in those relationships. Oftentimes when we have only had certain types of relationships it’s hard for us to imagine what relationships could look like. This show is a great example to start to see what types of relationships people can have and how that attachment can look. 

If you’re wanting to explore your attachment style and how it’s impacted and impacting your life, feel free to connect with us, we’d love to chat with you.