What Does Attachment Have To Do With It? Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized Attachment is an attachment style that is not often talked about - and it should be. This type of attachment style comes out through a “push-and-pull” type of dynamic. The best way I describe it to people is this idea of “I love you, I hate you”. A back and forth that happens in relationships. There is a deep desire for connection, but the fear of abandonment kicks in which causes people with this type of attachment to push others away. 

I want you to imagine being in a relationship, whether with a friend, romantic partner, or family member. You deeply want to be seen, heard and valued by them, in order for them to show up in your daily life. When they do this, it feels so great, you feel seen, heard, valued and wanted. Then all of a sudden, this fear hijacks you, causing you to pull away because you’re so scared that the person is going to leave, abandon, reject you or hurt you. In response, you pull away, isolate, withdraw and either stop talking with the person or keep things very surface level. This is what Disorganized Attachment can look like.

This type of attachment style often develops in early childhood (0-5yrs) and comes from abusive environments or caregivers being inconsistent with their care. Caregivers can provide lots of attention and care for needs, and then suddenly, withdraw that support and care; often with no display of caring behaviour again. This creates a conflict for the child as they don’t know what to expect and they deeply want connection but then they anticipate it being taken away without knowing why. This type of attachment can also develop from abuse whether that may be physical, emotional, sexual or neglect. 

Disorganized Attachment trauma comes from the inconsistency or abuse that someone has experienced in relationships. There is a pervasive feeling of being unsafe, and though desperately longing to be safe, never quite believing that it’s possible long term. These traumatic experiences play out in present day relationships because it emotionally feels like the past.  

It’s important to remember that although it can be confusing being in a relationship with someone who has Disorganized Attachment, they are behaving according to their survival drive. They deeply want to connect and feel safe; however, in the past it hasn’t ever been safe to be connected because people are never consistent. Consistency is key in helping this individual feel safe and secure in their relationships. Communication is also key, as that is often something that has not happened consistently in a healthy way in their lives. 

Remember that at the core, the individual with Disorganized Attachment deeply wants connection and to feel safe in relationships. If you’re wanting to explore your attachment style and how it has  impacted and/or currently impacting your life, feel free to connect with us. We’d love to chat with you.