Grief: Part Three

One thing that I have heard from every griever, is how lonely grief can feel. So much of our grief is held on the inside, in our thoughts, our elevated heartbeat, the longing in our soul. We experience grief in the silence of the morning as we stare at the Christmas tree. We experience grief in the sanctity of the moment when the candles are lit each evening on the menorah for Hanukkah. We experience grief while we light our lamps, illuminating our homes for Karthika Deepam. 

We experience grief. 

Grievers become experts at pat answers and half smiles, changing the subject and taking the attention off themselves. The broken hearted may come across like they want to be left alone. While that may be true for a period of time, it does not mean they want to be left feeling lonely.

Walking with someone who is grieving can feel like a big task, you feel anxious to reach out because you don’t know what to say. You don’t want to upset them or make them “think about their person.” Be assured that they are already thinking about their person and even if they cry, it does not mean that you’ve upset them. Being given the space to talk about the person they’ve lost, allows someone to let their grief breathe. Be the oxygen and ask, then hold space and be quiet so they can talk or choose to stay silent, remembering only in their head. The most important thing you can ever offer someone who is broken-hearted is your presence. Not your words, or the beautiful flowers you bring, but you.

In Grief: Part 1 of our series, we learned that grief is a whole-body experience. Often the one who is grieving does not have it in them to have long, drawn out conversations, especially in the days following the death or around the funeral, they’ve already done a lot of talking. Showing up for the griever in your life does not have to include deep conversation. Showing up can look like so many different things.

Something simple and meaningful, is to send a text around the same time daily for a couple of weeks, or months. Clarify from the outset that there is no expectation of a reply. Don’t know what to say in a message? Click here for some suggestions. Be regular and consistent, the grievers' world is upside down and consistency can show them how much you love and care. There are people who still love a phone call, go outside your own comfort zone and call your friend, they might not answer but just leave a message. Repeat regularly.

Practical help is a wonderful way to support someone experiencing loss. When you are grieving you may have low energy and could be struggling to do housework or perhaps the person who died used to do the inside or outside work, and the ones left do not know where to start. Go rake some leaves, ask for a grocery list, shovel their snow or walk their dog. There is so much power in a cooked meal that just arrives on a doorstep. The physical drain of grief makes it difficult to do many of these tasks. 

One thing that profoundly changed how I supported a friend or neighbour who was grieving was learning that it can take weeks for the impact of the loss to settle in. In the early days after the loss there is a lot to do as death comes with a lot of administration. Then there are ceremonies and rituals and that can mean that lots of people are around. It can take weeks before the one who is grieving has the time and space to absorb what has happened. By then all the casseroles in the freezer have been heated and eaten, people have returned to their daily rhythm because their lives seem unchanged. The ones left behind are just starting to grasp what’s happening at about 6-8 weeks following the death. Be the friend who shows up then. 

Specifically around the holidays, we can be an instrumental support to those in our midst who are broken hearted. You can support by being present as your friend puts up the tree for the first time without their partner. Or offer to bake with them and share in a tradition they used to share with their parent. No cookies might get baked as you journey through memories in the recipes. Show up anyway. Ask about traditions you are unfamiliar with, allow them to share their culture with you as they remember the one they loved and have lost. Remember, you have the choice to walk alongside the person in your life who is grieving, they are walking a path they did not choose. Make it about them.

In this short series we have begun to skim the surface of grief and how it can show up at the holidays. We’ve given grievers, and those walking with them, some strategies to navigate the holidays. Grief and loss are subjects that span almost every area of our lives. We’ve focused on the death of a person we held a positive relationship in our lives, we recognize and acknowledge that not every death loss looks like this. Grief is complicated and becomes more so if we’ve lost someone whose presence in our lives wasn’t a positive one. Sometimes the death that we are grieving and navigating at the holidays, is the death of a relationship or a dream job we unexpectedly were let go from. No one can define how “bad” your loss is, because your loss is your loss.

No matter what the loss is that you are grieving this holiday season, we are here to help and support you. Coming in the new year we will be offering a therapist-led, grief support group, keep your eyes on the website or give us a call for more information. We also offer individual counselling for those who have experienced any type of loss. You do not need to feel alone in your journey. 

It has been an honour to spend this time with you over this series.

Holding space for you until next time,

Hilary